"It all came together for me last night," Lockett told Tabloid Boy correspondent Bob Woodward. "A few days ago, I was at redistricting meeting in which Lloyd Daugherty said Cas Walker would return from the dead if Sequoyah Hills was moved to the 9th District. By a weird coincidence, I started watching Candyman that night, you know the flick where that big-boobed chick, Virginia what's-her-name looks in the mirror and says 'Candyman?'" I figured, what the heck, so I went to my medicine cabinet mirror, said "Coon Hunter" three or four times, and danged if it didn't work! I heard somebody shuffling around in the kitchen, and walked in on old Cas looking for some Blue Band coffee. And here he is!"

Toting a healthy slice of watermelon and looking several pounds lighter than he did at his funeral, Cas came right to the point:

"I'm sticking by Bill. And anybody who gets in our way, well, we'll just beat hell out of 'em."

As he rushed to a breaking story on the question of who will succeed the Knox County Ethics Committee, recently discharged en masse by Ragsdale PR Dude Dwight Van de Vate, Woodward heard the twang of a banjo and the high falsetto of Lockett plugging away at the Farm and Home Hour theme song.

"For a lawyer, he wasn't half bad," Woodward reported. "But maybe he shouldn't quit his day j -- uh, never mind." 

"I hope at least some of these kind folks stop by the Bistro," said Director of Media Mendacity Dwight Van de Vate, shaking his head to dislodge the remains of a Big Mac. "Love their catfish!"

"And don't forget the tartar sauce," said Ragsdale Chief of Stuff Mike Arms. "Ha! You missed m- "

Front and center in the chaos, Mayor Mike Ragsdale seemed at ease as he watched first a Slurpee then three Grainger County tomatos skid harmlessly off his Brooks Brothers suit.   

"They don't call me the Teflon Mayor for nothing," Ragsdale cackled.

Special Agent Fox Scully explained the unusual procedure.

"Federal law now mandates greater efficiency in arrest procedures," said Scully. "Picking off these dudes one at a time would have been wasteful. And, with all these bald heads among the prisoners, we thought it would be a hoot to see how long it took produce an organic Jackson Pollock on a shiny pate."   

Scully said a bond of $1 trillion would be sought for the prisoners.

"With the GM and Chrysler bankruptcies unfolding, the fed needs cash," Scully said.      

"Lumpy made  a convincing argument," Ragsdale told reporters. "During the budget debate, he insisted that I take over as director of the Film Commission. Since the county plans to kick me to the curb in 16 months anyway, it was a prospect I couldn't refuse."

"I'm grateful to the mayor," Lambert said, "and to our CFO, John Troyer. Although the Film Commission received zip in the new budget, John assures me that with a line item transfer we can make it right."

In FY 2009, the Film Commission received $50,000. This year, $1 million was split among 66 non-profit organizations.

"To simplify matters, we'll transfer the entire $1 million FY 2010 non-profit budget to the Film Commission," Ragsdale explained. "Later - if I feel like it - I may spread some of the money around to non-profits who can donate gaffers, best boys, a key grip or a Foley artist."

"He won't get away with this," vowed David Butler, Executive Director of the Knoxville Museum of Art. "I've seen the man's YouTube productions - not exactly Sundance material. Remember the scene in his 2007 flop, Night of the Living Audit, where he denied calling that Lewis Cosby fellow a 'showboat?' The audience wasn't buying what the mayor was selling."   

Ragsdale brushed aside the critics.

"They'll whistle a different tune when my new productions hit the silver screen," he said.

Several screenplays are completed or in the works, he added, including Cleared!, Whatever Happened to Baby Cynthia?, Dr. Mayorlove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Staff, and Raiders of the Lost General Fund Balance. Negotiations to purchase the rights to Scott McNutt's epic adventure, Charter-Hater: Salvation are underway as well, Ragsdale said.  

Official sources confirmed today that the Ragsdale administration is making plans to re-enact the Budget Battle of 2008. Sheriff J.J. Jones has deputized all Ragsdale staff members so that they may carry handguns and muskets to the battle. Ragsdale spokesperson Dwight Van de Vate said live ammunition will be used for added realism.

"Blood may be spilled," Van de Vate said, "just as in the 2008 clash. The Pinkston Brigade has yet to recover from its valiant but doomed "2-Percent-Across-The-Board-Cut Charge" at Commissioner Ridge. Re-enacting our victory in '08 should give us a lot of confidence heading into this year's battle."

But the adminstration's plan to draft homeless men and women to play the roles of county commissioners is drawing fire from a number of quarters.

"The Ten Year Plan to end homelessness did not envision reducing homeless numbers with musket balls and grapeshot," said Knoxville Mayor Bill Haslam. "I urge Mayor Ragsdale to reconsider."

"Stonewall" Johnson, currently residing under the back porch of the Ragsdale residence, was furious when told of the plan.

"This is an insult to all homeless people," said Johnson. "We may be homeless, but not one of us would stoop to portraying a county commissioner. We'd never live it down!"

Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert also opposed the re-enactment, but on different grounds.

"There is a nationwide shortage of ammunition," Lambert said. "To waste gunpowder at a time like this, when the demand is going up thanks to the foresight of our state legislature, is absolutely criminal and un-American. Live rounds must be preserved for our parks and bars."

Knox County's Chief Financial Officer, John "Jeb" Troyer, dismissed Lambert's concerns.

"At commission's request, we've saved 1.5 million rounds of ammunition in the past fiscal year. There was enough left over to give every county employee a 500 cartridge bonus," Troyer said. 

PBA chief Dale Smith said he had not been consulted about the re-enactment, but he supported the plan for its educational value.

"It's important that we cherish our history," Smith said. "So many have fallen during the Seven Years War - Moore, Finch, Tramel, Werner - to name but a few, and it's appropriate that we honor them by reliving our history. They gave the last full measure of their county paychecks."  

Dwight Van de Vate, Mayor Ragsdale's Director of Diversionary Communications, told reporters "it's an anti-crack bill. Two out of three homeless people we surveyed who were standing here just a minute ago are tired of seeing us made the butt of jokes by the cracks of people like McNutt and Van Guilder."

"They can stick that ordinance where the sun doesn't shine," McNutt said. "It's my constitutional right to expose a crack to the public. Thomas Jefferson would roll over in his grave, moon side up, if he were alive today."

Van Guilder agreed.

"People have been making cracks about politicians for generations. Try to plug that hole and you'll only get your hands dirty."

Local crackers have gained international support. Al B. Bare is the spokesperson for the Snarking Absolutely Nude Society - Paris, Athens, Nice, Toronto, Stockholm (SANS-PANTS).

"We vehemently oppose this asinine ordinance," said Bare. "Those cracks deserve even greater exposure."

Commissioner "Greg" Lumpy Lambert is an enthusiastic supporter of the ordinance.

"I don't know of a single commissioner who, at one time or another, hasn't had their derriere handed to them by one of those two. My only fear is that we'll get a split vote on commission."   

 State Rep. Stacey Campfield boldly proposes to go where none have gone before.

“I don’t have much faith in this 10th Amendment sovereignty thingy,” Campfield said. “So, I’m pushing it up a notch.”

The “notch” is the newly-declared “Republic of Campfield.”

“It’s the only thing that makes sense,” Campfield told reporters between dodging stray rounds at a West Knox County bar which caters to handgun carry permit holders.

“Watch it you guys,” Campfield called out playfully at one point. “That last one violated my airspace.”

Campfield explained the benefits he expects to reap by his action.

“Yes, Republichoodism is the only way to go,” he said. “Let’s say I decide to get an abortion. Well, in the Republic of Campfield, I can write an official death certificate. I can also prohibit myself from teaching me anything about homosexuality, and I’m replacing my tax on food with a tax on pornography. You can bet the Republic of Campfield will have a balanced budget!”

Campfield expects no problems with illegal immigrants.

“My border is sealed and it’s going to stay that way,” he said. “I won’t have illegals coming in here stealing my job, crossing my border so they can sap and impurify my precious bodily fluids.”

Campfield said several well-known political figures may soon follow his lead.

“I hear Dick Cheney is considering it,” he said. “And Dubya, too, is about to make a decisionism. As long as they don’t sign extradition treaties, they can say ‘bite me’ to those guys at The Hague. I know I’ll never let anybody extradite me from me!”

"The City of Knoxville's budget is healthy," Haslam reassured listeners in a city-wide community television address. "We intend to keep it that way. If B.S. finds its way into the city, the consequences could be grave. Pedestrians would take the brunt of the infection as out-of-control city take-home vehicles multiply, clogging our streets, sidewalks, bike trails, parks and Mark Harmon's front yard. Our once-proud rainy day fund will be reduced to a shadow of its former self as we are forced to fund a growing number of 20-something females in the city mayor's office. A secondary infection, 'carpe bonus,' or 'Bonus B.S.' has been known to cause financial death in other municipalities."

Haslam urged city residents to take extreme precautions.

"If you come into contact with anyone from the Knox County Mayor's office, immediately wash your hands with soap, water and Gold Bond medicated powder. If the contact was prolonged, more than five seconds, seek help at the nearest fire station for a full body, high-pressure washing."

County Mayor Mike Ragsdale greeted the announcement with skepticism.

"The only confirmed case of B.S. in the county is associated with a Blount County resident who came to us seeking help understanding variable rate bond issues. He was treated and released by John Troyer. Mayor Haslam's plan is a knee-jerk response which will flood the detention center with law-abiding citizens and 20-something females."

Update:

Knox County Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert became the first county resident to be detained and quarantined today. Lambert was apprehended by a KPD S.W.A.T. team as he left the City County Building. He admitted to lunching with the mayor, but said he had broken no laws.

"Look, I have a a concealed-budget carry permit," Lambert told reporters. "These charges are unconstitutional and will never stand up in court." 

"I'm immediately filing a writ of habeas corpulence, I mean, corpus," said Lambert's attorney. "Commissioner Lambert may be a genetic carrier of B.S., but that doesn't mean he's contagious. " 

"The actual birth date of Jesus has always been a mystery," Van de Vate began. "December 25th is an arbitrary date. In a joint effort with the National Enquirer, Globe and VFW Post 615, DOH researchers have established May 31st as the most likely date for Jesus' birth. Therefore, beginning this year, Knox County will celebrate Christmas on the last day of May. Besides a chance to enjoy Christmas during our splendid May weather, this puts that busy holiday season behind us so County Commission can approve the mayor's annual budget with fewer distractions."

The 1,700 county employees who had gathered in Van de Vate's office to listen to the announcement spontaneously combusted with the news they would be receiving their $500 Christmas bonus in a few weeks. Sheriff's deputies and Public Building Authority security personnel quelled the blaze, ruining Sheriff J.J. Jones' two-toned oxfords in the process. A damage estimate was not immediately available.

With order restored, Van de Vate yielded the floor to Hugh Holt, Director of Purchasing and University Twit Control. 

"At his budget presentation, Mayor Ragsdale recalled with special fondness his family's green 1950 Plymouth," Holt said. "The mayor has asked my department to issue an RFP for 28 green 1950 Plymouths. The RFP will go out today. The Plymouths will be swapped for existing fleet vehicles as each is received. We trust that Commissioner Mark Harmon will be pleased by this evidence of the mayor's commitment to economy."

Holt declined to field questions, instead referring reporters to the mayor's brief written comment on the vehicle swap: "Brrr-roodin, brrr-roodin, ba-roodin!"  

"The formal name is the 'Negative Loan Program,'" Lockett explained. "Mr. Lowe 'borrowed' about $22,000 in vacation pay before he left office. We're asking for only $3,000 in return."

Asked for comment, Lowe said, "Boy, howdy. I'm not sure what a 'de facto' trustee is, but if Bill Lockett and the Supreme Court said I is one I'll take it."

An informal version of the "Negative Loan Program" has been used at least once before in Knox County. Last year, disputed p-card charges in Mayor Mike Ragsdale's office were pared down from about $40,000 to a fraction of the original "loan."

Lockett said his office will begin accepting additional negative loan applications as early as next week. He has already received inquiries from former trustee's office employee John Haun's attorney.

"We hope this program will kick-start the economy," Lockett said. 

Ruby Tuesday Goes Green

Ruby Tuesday restaurants are celebrating Earth Day this year with several new green initiatives. The international chain has more than 900 company-owned and franchised restaurants and almost 50,000 employees, and nearly all are taking part in one way or another. Earth Day is celebrated around the world on April 22, 2009.

Ruby Tuesday first made a commitment to minimize the negative impact on the planet and improve the company’s green standards several years ago. “It started with small changes, with regard to our supplies and paper products,” says Richard Johnson, who directed Ruby Tuesday’s initial green program. He says the company is now taking it to the next level with the launch of a website solely dedicated to this initiative, www.AGreenRuby.com, so they can track all changes and share updates with their guests.

One of the most significant changes is to Ruby Tuesday’s signature fresh garden bar, but Executive Vice President Kimberly Grant says: “Not to worry. All of our customers’ favorite items are still there!” Ruby Tuesday is reducing its landfill waste by 320 tons per year by challenging the salad dressing vendors to repackage their products. “We went from using large rigid plastic containers to much sleeker pouches,” says Grant. As a result, Ken’s Salad Dressings received Ruby Tuesday’s 2009 Supplier of the Year Award for Change.

“From the trucks that deliver the fresh produce and meats to the restaurants to the menus our customers hold in their hands, we’re making a concerted effort to change the way we do business,” says Senior VP Mark Young. Delivery trucks no longer idle while parked at Ruby Tuesday restaurants, so exhaust emissions and fuel usage are reduced. “We’re also streamlining our delivery routes to be as efficient as possible,” Young added.

When it comes to the menu, Ruby Tuesday is partnering with printers who are also committed to making the world a better place. For example, the menu is printed on Mohawk paper, which is made from wind-generated electricity. Young says: “Our printers recycle, and they use soy-based inks to cut down the use of toxic chemicals.”

Inside the restaurant, Ruby Tuesday is now using a stackable glassware rack that consumes less water and soap thanks to an innovative “wave” design. Other energy efficiencies in the kitchen include fluorescent bulbs that illuminate the hood and cooler and low-flow pre-rinse nozzles.

At the Ruby Tuesday Restaurant Support Center, in Maryville, TN, an energy management schedule has been implemented, which means at night and on weekends, the building will be cooler in the winter and warmer in the summer. “We’re also recycling all of the fluorescent light bulbs from the center,” says Grant. The company has switched to reusable ink cartridges for its printers as well. “Did you know it takes 450 years for just one cartridge to decompose? When I heard that, I just knew we had to make the switch.”

Johnson says Ruby Tuesday will continue to look for ways to build a safer, healthier, and cleaner world. “And come April 22, we welcome anyone who would like to celebrate Earth Day to join us at a local Ruby Tuesday restaurant for a flavorful and valuable dining experience with a twist that’s green.”