"Ambergris Alert" issued by County Mayor's office

Dwight Van de Vate, spokesperson for Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale, announced an "Ambergris Alert" this afternoon for the mayor's missing credibility.

"The last thing we want to do is confuse the public," Van de Vate said. "We chose Ambergris Alert to distinguish a missing credibility alert from the Amber Alert for a missing child."

"Ambergris," Van de Vate elaborated, is a waxy substance formed in the intestines of sperm whales.

"We think it's an appropriate name," he added. "We'll make use of the same methods the police use by posting the Ambergris Alert on billboards and interstate electronic messaging boards."  

Asked how long the mayor's credibility had been missing, Van de Vate replied, "Since at least 2006. However, Mike is in the office so infrequently that no one noticed until the mayor and senior staff members were showering after the annual Pin-the-tail-on-Pinkston marathon at Club LeConte. When Mike stripped for his shower we saw right away he was short on credibility."

Asked for a description of Ragsdale's credibility, Van de Vate was evasive.

"That's hard to say. OK, speaking candidly, I've never seen it. Mike Arms said he saw it in '98, but you'd have to ask him for details."

With the mayor's budget presentation due in 10 days, Van de Vate said locating the missing credibility is crucial.  

"We've had reports that it was spotted in Nashville, Washington, D.C., even at the Master's Tournament in Augusta. Wherever it is, Mike's desperate to get it back, and we're prepared to offer a reward up to the limit of Mike's p-card for information leading to its recovery."

Van de Vate denied reports that the mayor's credibility was adopted from a Chinese orphanage.

"It's his natural-born cred, and the poor guy misses it. Investigators tell us that the first 48 hours after the report of missing credibility is crucial. We're asking all citizens to be on the lookout. If you spot it, please call 1-800-RAGSREP."

Local pols form "green" tea company

Good news today for local job seekers! Knox County Commissioners Mike Hammond and "Lumpy" Lambert are partnering with State Rep. Stacy Campfield in a startup company which Hammond says will provide hundreds of job opportunities.

"Coffee, beer and white lightning have taken a back seat to tea as East Tennessee's beverage of choice," said Hammond. "We've been scouting for a location in this area which would be suitable for tea production. Well, we found it, and lo and behold it's growing naturally."

Local media gathered with the trio of politicians in a remote area of Cocke County where they recently purchased better than 200 acres of heavily wooded forest.

"Watch your step," Lambert warned as reporters and camera operators slogged through the woods and into a cleared expanse of tall, leafy plants. "For some reason, the previous owners had installed razor wire around this clearing."

As the cameras rolled, Campfield pinched off a large leaf from one of the aromatic plants.

"Folks, we've brewed several batches of tea from the very plants you see here. The tea is green, a little bitter at first, but you forget the taste after a couple of cups. I've been drinking a couple of quarts a day, and I've never felt better in my life," Campfield concluded, before collapsing into giggles.

Lambert concurred, adding that the beverage had enhanced his life in other ways as well.

"I can't explain it, but every time I drink this tea I get the urge to groove to some Jimi Hendrix," Lambert said, as the jarring chords of "Purple Haze" radiated from his iPhone.

As the primary investor, Hammond was given the honor of naming the new company.

"I've settled on "Hammond's Excellent Mountain Potion," Hammond said. "H.E.M.P." 

Stacy X goes to Heck

“I swear I didn’t see him!” the man said. “He stepped right in front me.”

One of Nashville’s finest knelt beside the limp body lying in the street outside the legislative plaza. She fingered her mike.

“Ambulance to 6th Avenue and Union. Legislator down.”

Through a swirling black haze, Stacy X heard sirens in the distance, and then …

“Where am I?” Stacy X said. “My head hurts.”

A grey-bearded, seventyish man peered down at the prone former lawmaker. “I reckon it would,” he chuckled. “You came through pretty hard.”

“Came through? To where?”

“Why, Vermont, son.”

“You mean I’m not dead? For a minute there I thought I’d gone to heaven,” Stacy X said, rising to his feet.

The old man chuckled again.

“No, you’re not in heaven, that’s in the other direction,” he said, pointing skyward.

“But, you said Vermont? How can this be … Heck?”

“It’s Hell, er, uh ‘Heck’ for you, Stacy.”

Stacy X looked around: verdant hills, pine-scented air, a happy couple holding hands as they strolled through the woods, casting loving glances at one another – wait a minute!

“Hey, mister! That’s two women over there holding hands, and now they’re kissing! Gross!”

“This is Vermont, Stacy. We just legalized gay marriage.”

“Then this is Heck! No way I’m staying here!”

“Well, now, you don’t have much choice in the matter.”

“Please!” Stacy X pleaded. “Anywhere but here! This can’t be all there is to … Heck.”

“Simmer down” the old man said. “We might be able to arrange something. What do you have in mind?”

“A place with solid values,” said Stacy X. “No hippies, maybe … I know! Middle America!”

“Middle America, eh? OK, so be it.”

"Say, aren't you Charlton Hes - " Stacy X didn't finish the sentence. The old man waved his hand. The green hills vanished. He was looking at a road sign: “Welcome to Iowa.”

“Iowa? This is more like it. Hog farms and cornfields,” Stacy X said.

Stepping briskly down the two-lane road, he soon came to a small house enclosed by a white picket fence. A placard hanging from the mailbox read “Justice of the Peace.”

“This guy can give me the skinny,” he muttered. He pushed open the unlocked front door. In a room off the entryway two men were embracing in front of a black-robed figure.

“I now pronounce you Tom and Jerry, partners for life,” said the justice of the peace.

Stacy X screamed.

“Stacy!” the justice said. “We’ve been expecting you.”

“No, no, no! Old man, get me out of here! I can’t take this!”

Stacy heard a rumbling sound and felt a faint vibration. He was seated on a barstool in a dimly lit tavern. A Hank Williams lamentation filled the air. Tennessee!

“I’ve never been a drinking man,” Stacy X said, “but I need one. Bartender, Jack Daniels!”

A man seated next to him eyed Stacy menacingly.

“What did you say, buddy?”

“Me? I didn’t say anything,” said Stacy X.

“Oh, yeah? Well, you’re another one!”

The man pulled a 9 mm Glock and shot Stacy X between the eyes.

And this time, he really did go to Heck.

Having a little fun - the prez in space

Obama stuns nation, NASA   

President Barack Obama stunned the nation today when he announced plans to become America’s first chief executive in space. “I choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard,” Obama said in his weekly radio address.

NASA officials, initially staggered by the president’s blatant plagiarizing of John F. Kennedy’s 1962 speech, later reacted jubilantly.

“This will give the space program a boost like we haven’t had in years,” said Ray Gunn, a countdown specialist at Cape Kennedy.

Obama emphasized that the planned voyage to a landing site near the Sea of Tranquility would focus on scientific mysteries such as presidential weightlessness and the effects of zero gravity on budget preparation. With a nod to his favorite form of recreation, the president said a “dunking laboratory” would be constructed near the landing site.

“Playing above the rim should be a cinch up there, even in my space suit,” he said.

A successful mission could pave the way for voyages for other political leaders, though at least one expressed skepticism.

“I’ve had enough trouble with Bill just staying earthbound,” said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. “No way I’m leaving him here while I’m on the moon.”

Hearing the news, Alaska’s Gov. Sarah Palin quickly volunteered to become the first female on the moon.

“Heck, I can see the moon from our border,” she said, “and I’ve read a lot about it.”

Guns and birthdays

Today, Friday, March 13, 2009, is my birthday. I'm 59 years old, and with some luck I may see 60.

Isn't it widely believed that wisdom comes with age? By 59, shouldn't I be endowed with a better understanding of what makes us tick?

Sadly, I'm not. When I read of the recent senseless violence in Alabama, 10 dead I believe, or the 15 massacred by a child in Germany, I despair of ever understanding.

For this Monday's edition of the West Side Shopper-News I've written a story, statistics mostly, on the number of handgun carry permit holders in the Farragut area. I was stunned by the numbers. They didn't fit the image of this usually peaceful Knoxville suburb. But the very day I finished examing the data I learned of a terrifying robbery at a bank no more than a stone's throw from the Farragut Town Hall. The robber told at least one bank employee that he knew where she lived and knew the names of her children.  

Now Tennessee legislators want to grant permit holders the right to carry loaded long guns in their vehicles. This at a time when Tennessee ranks second only to South Carolina in violent crimes per capita. This is cognitive dissonance at its worst. How more artillery on the highways will mitigate the root causes of violent crime is lost to this observer.

So, what's next? A stimulus money set-aside to purchase assault rifles for all Tennesseans age 21 and over? I wouldn't be surprised.  

Anyway, happy birthday to me, and don't forget to keep your powder dry.