Campfield pushes "sovereignty" to new level

 State Rep. Stacey Campfield boldly proposes to go where none have gone before.

“I don’t have much faith in this 10th Amendment sovereignty thingy,” Campfield said. “So, I’m pushing it up a notch.”

The “notch” is the newly-declared “Republic of Campfield.”

“It’s the only thing that makes sense,” Campfield told reporters between dodging stray rounds at a West Knox County bar which caters to handgun carry permit holders.

“Watch it you guys,” Campfield called out playfully at one point. “That last one violated my airspace.”

Campfield explained the benefits he expects to reap by his action.

“Yes, Republichoodism is the only way to go,” he said. “Let’s say I decide to get an abortion. Well, in the Republic of Campfield, I can write an official death certificate. I can also prohibit myself from teaching me anything about homosexuality, and I’m replacing my tax on food with a tax on pornography. You can bet the Republic of Campfield will have a balanced budget!”

Campfield expects no problems with illegal immigrants.

“My border is sealed and it’s going to stay that way,” he said. “I won’t have illegals coming in here stealing my job, crossing my border so they can sap and impurify my precious bodily fluids.”

Campfield said several well-known political figures may soon follow his lead.

“I hear Dick Cheney is considering it,” he said. “And Dubya, too, is about to make a decisionism. As long as they don’t sign extradition treaties, they can say ‘bite me’ to those guys at The Hague. I know I’ll never let anybody extradite me from me!”

Knoxville seals off county border, fears spread of contagious B.S.

Knoxville Mayor Bill Haslam has announced a plan to seal off the city's border with Knox County. While details of the deployment are sketchy, a spokesman for the Fraternal Order of Police acknowledged that all reserve city police officers have been called to active duty. Haslam's plan comes on the heels of the first confirmed report in the county of the highly contagious "Ragsdale Budgetary Syndrome," known more commonly as "B.S."

"The City of Knoxville's budget is healthy," Haslam reassured listeners in a city-wide community television address. "We intend to keep it that way. If B.S. finds its way into the city, the consequences could be grave. Pedestrians would take the brunt of the infection as out-of-control city take-home vehicles multiply, clogging our streets, sidewalks, bike trails, parks and Mark Harmon's front yard. Our once-proud rainy day fund will be reduced to a shadow of its former self as we are forced to fund a growing number of 20-something females in the city mayor's office. A secondary infection, 'carpe bonus,' or 'Bonus B.S.' has been known to cause financial death in other municipalities."

Haslam urged city residents to take extreme precautions.

"If you come into contact with anyone from the Knox County Mayor's office, immediately wash your hands with soap, water and Gold Bond medicated powder. If the contact was prolonged, more than five seconds, seek help at the nearest fire station for a full body, high-pressure washing."

County Mayor Mike Ragsdale greeted the announcement with skepticism.

"The only confirmed case of B.S. in the county is associated with a Blount County resident who came to us seeking help understanding variable rate bond issues. He was treated and released by John Troyer. Mayor Haslam's plan is a knee-jerk response which will flood the detention center with law-abiding citizens and 20-something females."

Update:

Knox County Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert became the first county resident to be detained and quarantined today. Lambert was apprehended by a KPD S.W.A.T. team as he left the City County Building. He admitted to lunching with the mayor, but said he had broken no laws.

"Look, I have a a concealed-budget carry permit," Lambert told reporters. "These charges are unconstitutional and will never stand up in court." 

"I'm immediately filing a writ of habeas corpulence, I mean, corpus," said Lambert's attorney. "Commissioner Lambert may be a genetic carrier of B.S., but that doesn't mean he's contagious. " 

Major announcements from Mayor's office

Big news out of Mayor Mike "Charlie Brown" Ragsdale's office today. Dwight Van de Vate, who heads the mayor's Department of Obscure History,  DOH, stunned listeners at a hastily called press conference.

"The actual birth date of Jesus has always been a mystery," Van de Vate began. "December 25th is an arbitrary date. In a joint effort with the National Enquirer, Globe and VFW Post 615, DOH researchers have established May 31st as the most likely date for Jesus' birth. Therefore, beginning this year, Knox County will celebrate Christmas on the last day of May. Besides a chance to enjoy Christmas during our splendid May weather, this puts that busy holiday season behind us so County Commission can approve the mayor's annual budget with fewer distractions."

The 1,700 county employees who had gathered in Van de Vate's office to listen to the announcement spontaneously combusted with the news they would be receiving their $500 Christmas bonus in a few weeks. Sheriff's deputies and Public Building Authority security personnel quelled the blaze, ruining Sheriff J.J. Jones' two-toned oxfords in the process. A damage estimate was not immediately available.

With order restored, Van de Vate yielded the floor to Hugh Holt, Director of Purchasing and University Twit Control. 

"At his budget presentation, Mayor Ragsdale recalled with special fondness his family's green 1950 Plymouth," Holt said. "The mayor has asked my department to issue an RFP for 28 green 1950 Plymouths. The RFP will go out today. The Plymouths will be swapped for existing fleet vehicles as each is received. We trust that Commissioner Mark Harmon will be pleased by this evidence of the mayor's commitment to economy."

Holt declined to field questions, instead referring reporters to the mayor's brief written comment on the vehicle swap: "Brrr-roodin, brrr-roodin, ba-roodin!"  

Lowe is first recipient of local stimulus funds, "Negative Loan Plan"

Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett announced earlier today the formation of a local stimulus plan which could inject thousands into the slow economy. Former Knox County Trustee Mike Lowe is the first recipient.

"The formal name is the 'Negative Loan Program,'" Lockett explained. "Mr. Lowe 'borrowed' about $22,000 in vacation pay before he left office. We're asking for only $3,000 in return."

Asked for comment, Lowe said, "Boy, howdy. I'm not sure what a 'de facto' trustee is, but if Bill Lockett and the Supreme Court said I is one I'll take it."

An informal version of the "Negative Loan Program" has been used at least once before in Knox County. Last year, disputed p-card charges in Mayor Mike Ragsdale's office were pared down from about $40,000 to a fraction of the original "loan."

Lockett said his office will begin accepting additional negative loan applications as early as next week. He has already received inquiries from former trustee's office employee John Haun's attorney.

"We hope this program will kick-start the economy," Lockett said. 

Ruby Tuesday news from Katie Allison Granju

From the desk of one of my all-time favorite bloggers, Katie Allison Granju:

Ruby Tuesday Goes Green

Ruby Tuesday restaurants are celebrating Earth Day this year with several new green initiatives. The international chain has more than 900 company-owned and franchised restaurants and almost 50,000 employees, and nearly all are taking part in one way or another. Earth Day is celebrated around the world on April 22, 2009.

Ruby Tuesday first made a commitment to minimize the negative impact on the planet and improve the company’s green standards several years ago. “It started with small changes, with regard to our supplies and paper products,” says Richard Johnson, who directed Ruby Tuesday’s initial green program. He says the company is now taking it to the next level with the launch of a website solely dedicated to this initiative, www.AGreenRuby.com, so they can track all changes and share updates with their guests.

One of the most significant changes is to Ruby Tuesday’s signature fresh garden bar, but Executive Vice President Kimberly Grant says: “Not to worry. All of our customers’ favorite items are still there!” Ruby Tuesday is reducing its landfill waste by 320 tons per year by challenging the salad dressing vendors to repackage their products. “We went from using large rigid plastic containers to much sleeker pouches,” says Grant. As a result, Ken’s Salad Dressings received Ruby Tuesday’s 2009 Supplier of the Year Award for Change.

“From the trucks that deliver the fresh produce and meats to the restaurants to the menus our customers hold in their hands, we’re making a concerted effort to change the way we do business,” says Senior VP Mark Young. Delivery trucks no longer idle while parked at Ruby Tuesday restaurants, so exhaust emissions and fuel usage are reduced. “We’re also streamlining our delivery routes to be as efficient as possible,” Young added.

When it comes to the menu, Ruby Tuesday is partnering with printers who are also committed to making the world a better place. For example, the menu is printed on Mohawk paper, which is made from wind-generated electricity. Young says: “Our printers recycle, and they use soy-based inks to cut down the use of toxic chemicals.”

Inside the restaurant, Ruby Tuesday is now using a stackable glassware rack that consumes less water and soap thanks to an innovative “wave” design. Other energy efficiencies in the kitchen include fluorescent bulbs that illuminate the hood and cooler and low-flow pre-rinse nozzles.

At the Ruby Tuesday Restaurant Support Center, in Maryville, TN, an energy management schedule has been implemented, which means at night and on weekends, the building will be cooler in the winter and warmer in the summer. “We’re also recycling all of the fluorescent light bulbs from the center,” says Grant. The company has switched to reusable ink cartridges for its printers as well. “Did you know it takes 450 years for just one cartridge to decompose? When I heard that, I just knew we had to make the switch.”

Johnson says Ruby Tuesday will continue to look for ways to build a safer, healthier, and cleaner world. “And come April 22, we welcome anyone who would like to celebrate Earth Day to join us at a local Ruby Tuesday restaurant for a flavorful and valuable dining experience with a twist that’s green.”