Knoxville seals off county border, fears spread of contagious B.S.

Knoxville Mayor Bill Haslam has announced a plan to seal off the city's border with Knox County. While details of the deployment are sketchy, a spokesman for the Fraternal Order of Police acknowledged that all reserve city police officers have been called to active duty. Haslam's plan comes on the heels of the first confirmed report in the county of the highly contagious "Ragsdale Budgetary Syndrome," known more commonly as "B.S."

"The City of Knoxville's budget is healthy," Haslam reassured listeners in a city-wide community television address. "We intend to keep it that way. If B.S. finds its way into the city, the consequences could be grave. Pedestrians would take the brunt of the infection as out-of-control city take-home vehicles multiply, clogging our streets, sidewalks, bike trails, parks and Mark Harmon's front yard. Our once-proud rainy day fund will be reduced to a shadow of its former self as we are forced to fund a growing number of 20-something females in the city mayor's office. A secondary infection, 'carpe bonus,' or 'Bonus B.S.' has been known to cause financial death in other municipalities."

Haslam urged city residents to take extreme precautions.

"If you come into contact with anyone from the Knox County Mayor's office, immediately wash your hands with soap, water and Gold Bond medicated powder. If the contact was prolonged, more than five seconds, seek help at the nearest fire station for a full body, high-pressure washing."

County Mayor Mike Ragsdale greeted the announcement with skepticism.

"The only confirmed case of B.S. in the county is associated with a Blount County resident who came to us seeking help understanding variable rate bond issues. He was treated and released by John Troyer. Mayor Haslam's plan is a knee-jerk response which will flood the detention center with law-abiding citizens and 20-something females."

Update:

Knox County Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert became the first county resident to be detained and quarantined today. Lambert was apprehended by a KPD S.W.A.T. team as he left the City County Building. He admitted to lunching with the mayor, but said he had broken no laws.

"Look, I have a a concealed-budget carry permit," Lambert told reporters. "These charges are unconstitutional and will never stand up in court." 

"I'm immediately filing a writ of habeas corpulence, I mean, corpus," said Lambert's attorney. "Commissioner Lambert may be a genetic carrier of B.S., but that doesn't mean he's contagious. "