New law leads to mass arrest

Under the authority of a little-known provision of the Arresting the Repugnant and Reprobates Act of 2009, FBI agents swarmed the City County Building late Friday. Armed with warrants for the arrest of every elected Knox County official and and several senior staff members, the agents first erected a number of Puritan-style stocks in the courtyard. As the stocks filled, curious pedestrians were invited to pelt the prisoners with food items of their choice.

"I hope at least some of these kind folks stop by the Bistro," said Director of Media Mendacity Dwight Van de Vate, shaking his head to dislodge the remains of a Big Mac. "Love their catfish!"

"And don't forget the tartar sauce," said Ragsdale Chief of Stuff Mike Arms. "Ha! You missed m- "

Front and center in the chaos, Mayor Mike Ragsdale seemed at ease as he watched first a Slurpee then three Grainger County tomatos skid harmlessly off his Brooks Brothers suit.   

"They don't call me the Teflon Mayor for nothing," Ragsdale cackled.

Special Agent Fox Scully explained the unusual procedure.

"Federal law now mandates greater efficiency in arrest procedures," said Scully. "Picking off these dudes one at a time would have been wasteful. And, with all these bald heads among the prisoners, we thought it would be a hoot to see how long it took produce an organic Jackson Pollock on a shiny pate."   

Scully said a bond of $1 trillion would be sought for the prisoners.

"With the GM and Chrysler bankruptcies unfolding, the fed needs cash," Scully said.