County takes cue from state, pushes anti-crack ordinance

"Crackers" could be fined up to $250 and 160 hours of working for Property Assessor Phil Ballard if an ordinance backed by the Knox County Mayor's office and several County Commissioners gains approval.

Dwight Van de Vate, Mayor Ragsdale's Director of Diversionary Communications, told reporters "it's an anti-crack bill. Two out of three homeless people we surveyed who were standing here just a minute ago are tired of seeing us made the butt of jokes by the cracks of people like McNutt and Van Guilder."

"They can stick that ordinance where the sun doesn't shine," McNutt said. "It's my constitutional right to expose a crack to the public. Thomas Jefferson would roll over in his grave, moon side up, if he were alive today."

Van Guilder agreed.

"People have been making cracks about politicians for generations. Try to plug that hole and you'll only get your hands dirty."

Local crackers have gained international support. Al B. Bare is the spokesperson for the Snarking Absolutely Nude Society - Paris, Athens, Nice, Toronto, Stockholm (SANS-PANTS).

"We vehemently oppose this asinine ordinance," said Bare. "Those cracks deserve even greater exposure."

Commissioner "Greg" Lumpy Lambert is an enthusiastic supporter of the ordinance.

"I don't know of a single commissioner who, at one time or another, hasn't had their derriere handed to them by one of those two. My only fear is that we'll get a split vote on commission."