Major announcements from Mayor's office

Big news out of Mayor Mike "Charlie Brown" Ragsdale's office today. Dwight Van de Vate, who heads the mayor's Department of Obscure History,  DOH, stunned listeners at a hastily called press conference.

"The actual birth date of Jesus has always been a mystery," Van de Vate began. "December 25th is an arbitrary date. In a joint effort with the National Enquirer, Globe and VFW Post 615, DOH researchers have established May 31st as the most likely date for Jesus' birth. Therefore, beginning this year, Knox County will celebrate Christmas on the last day of May. Besides a chance to enjoy Christmas during our splendid May weather, this puts that busy holiday season behind us so County Commission can approve the mayor's annual budget with fewer distractions."

The 1,700 county employees who had gathered in Van de Vate's office to listen to the announcement spontaneously combusted with the news they would be receiving their $500 Christmas bonus in a few weeks. Sheriff's deputies and Public Building Authority security personnel quelled the blaze, ruining Sheriff J.J. Jones' two-toned oxfords in the process. A damage estimate was not immediately available.

With order restored, Van de Vate yielded the floor to Hugh Holt, Director of Purchasing and University Twit Control. 

"At his budget presentation, Mayor Ragsdale recalled with special fondness his family's green 1950 Plymouth," Holt said. "The mayor has asked my department to issue an RFP for 28 green 1950 Plymouths. The RFP will go out today. The Plymouths will be swapped for existing fleet vehicles as each is received. We trust that Commissioner Mark Harmon will be pleased by this evidence of the mayor's commitment to economy."

Holt declined to field questions, instead referring reporters to the mayor's brief written comment on the vehicle swap: "Brrr-roodin, brrr-roodin, ba-roodin!"