An idea for the minimum wage

The federal minimum wage moves from $5.85/hour to $6.55/hour on July 24. Ultra-free market advocates see this as another step down the road to The End of Civilization As We Know It, while those left-leaning socialists and their fellow travelers say it doesn't go anywhere near far enough in redistributing the ill-gotten gains of the capitalist pigs.

Well, as (if I remember correctly) the late Billy Martin and others once summed up the "great taste/less filling" light beer debate: "Actually, I feel very strongly both ways."

Allow me to 'splain. Yes, let wages float to whatever level they ultimately attain under the influence of supply and demand, but with a significant twist or two: elevate the "pool," and mark off some graduated minimums. There's nothing magical about $6.55/hour; it's a number cranked out by federal bureaucrats. So, why not $10/hour? $50/hour? $100/hour?

I really like the sound of that last figure, and since journalists of any media flavor consistently rank among the lowest of the low in public opinion polls, why not use us as a baseline? I'm willing to take one for the team, so consider this my official offer to the E.W. Scripps Company to be the first of their reporters to sign on at the bargain basement rate of $100/hour. Heck, it's almost my patriotic and corporate duty. 

Complications will arise, of course, but no scientific breakthrough - even in the dismal science of economics -  achieves widespread acceptance without first clearing a few hurdles. As the saying goes, they laughed at Alexander Graham Bell right over the phone. In this case, certain wage adjustments will be necessary to fairly compensate those perched above journalists (effectively, that means everybody) on the wage ladder.

Since I have difficulty frying an egg without creating a monochrome Jackson Pollock-like rendering in my long-suffering Calphalon, cooks deserve a much better payday than yours truly. After all, you can't boost without fuel. No calorie, no writee. Under my plan, cooks will earn a minimum of $150/hour.

Teachers, police officers, fire fighters? These folks will finally receive the pay they deserve by setting their minimums at $500/hour. Gates, Buffet and others may need to chip in to offset the strain on government budgets that result from this boost in wages, but there's a bright side: if you make $500/hour, who the hell needs a union? The time saved at the bargaining table alone should offset a good deal of the wage hike, especially in major cities.

All the wage increases need not be so dramatic. Depending upon whose poll you read, politicians rank just above or just below journalists in the public esteem. Giving public servants the benefit of a doubt, we'll bring their minimum in at $100.01, a tad above the lowly journalist.

Before you start throwing logic around, as, for instance, by objecting to my plan on the basis that prices will rise astronomically, I submit to you that (1) if God didn't want governments to print money he wouldn't have given them printing presses, and (2) with gas heading toward $5 a gallon and tomatoes at $4/lb, who'll ever notice?