"Coon Hunter, Coon Hunter, Coon Hunter!"

Embattled Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett has a new ally in his fight to save his job, his reputation and his take-home county vehicle.

"It all came together for me last night," Lockett told Tabloid Boy correspondent Bob Woodward. "A few days ago, I was at redistricting meeting in which Lloyd Daugherty said Cas Walker would return from the dead if Sequoyah Hills was moved to the 9th District. By a weird coincidence, I started watching Candyman that night, you know the flick where that big-boobed chick, Virginia what's-her-name looks in the mirror and says 'Candyman?'" I figured, what the heck, so I went to my medicine cabinet mirror, said "Coon Hunter" three or four times, and danged if it didn't work! I heard somebody shuffling around in the kitchen, and walked in on old Cas looking for some Blue Band coffee. And here he is!"

Toting a healthy slice of watermelon and looking several pounds lighter than he did at his funeral, Cas came right to the point:

"I'm sticking by Bill. And anybody who gets in our way, well, we'll just beat hell out of 'em."

As he rushed to a breaking story on the question of who will succeed the Knox County Ethics Committee, recently discharged en masse by Ragsdale PR Dude Dwight Van de Vate, Woodward heard the twang of a banjo and the high falsetto of Lockett plugging away at the Farm and Home Hour theme song.

"For a lawyer, he wasn't half bad," Woodward reported. "But maybe he shouldn't quit his day j -- uh, never mind." 

New law leads to mass arrest

Under the authority of a little-known provision of the Arresting the Repugnant and Reprobates Act of 2009, FBI agents swarmed the City County Building late Friday. Armed with warrants for the arrest of every elected Knox County official and and several senior staff members, the agents first erected a number of Puritan-style stocks in the courtyard. As the stocks filled, curious pedestrians were invited to pelt the prisoners with food items of their choice.

"I hope at least some of these kind folks stop by the Bistro," said Director of Media Mendacity Dwight Van de Vate, shaking his head to dislodge the remains of a Big Mac. "Love their catfish!"

"And don't forget the tartar sauce," said Ragsdale Chief of Stuff Mike Arms. "Ha! You missed m- "

Front and center in the chaos, Mayor Mike Ragsdale seemed at ease as he watched first a Slurpee then three Grainger County tomatos skid harmlessly off his Brooks Brothers suit.   

"They don't call me the Teflon Mayor for nothing," Ragsdale cackled.

Special Agent Fox Scully explained the unusual procedure.

"Federal law now mandates greater efficiency in arrest procedures," said Scully. "Picking off these dudes one at a time would have been wasteful. And, with all these bald heads among the prisoners, we thought it would be a hoot to see how long it took produce an organic Jackson Pollock on a shiny pate."   

Scully said a bond of $1 trillion would be sought for the prisoners.

"With the GM and Chrysler bankruptcies unfolding, the fed needs cash," Scully said.      

Film Commission gets new life, mayor new career

At a hastily called press conference, Mayor Mike Ragsdale joined Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert in announcing a new lease on life for the Film Commission and a career change for the soon-to-be former mayor.

"Lumpy made  a convincing argument," Ragsdale told reporters. "During the budget debate, he insisted that I take over as director of the Film Commission. Since the county plans to kick me to the curb in 16 months anyway, it was a prospect I couldn't refuse."

"I'm grateful to the mayor," Lambert said, "and to our CFO, John Troyer. Although the Film Commission received zip in the new budget, John assures me that with a line item transfer we can make it right."

In FY 2009, the Film Commission received $50,000. This year, $1 million was split among 66 non-profit organizations.

"To simplify matters, we'll transfer the entire $1 million FY 2010 non-profit budget to the Film Commission," Ragsdale explained. "Later - if I feel like it - I may spread some of the money around to non-profits who can donate gaffers, best boys, a key grip or a Foley artist."

"He won't get away with this," vowed David Butler, Executive Director of the Knoxville Museum of Art. "I've seen the man's YouTube productions - not exactly Sundance material. Remember the scene in his 2007 flop, Night of the Living Audit, where he denied calling that Lewis Cosby fellow a 'showboat?' The audience wasn't buying what the mayor was selling."   

Ragsdale brushed aside the critics.

"They'll whistle a different tune when my new productions hit the silver screen," he said.

Several screenplays are completed or in the works, he added, including Cleared!, Whatever Happened to Baby Cynthia?, Dr. Mayorlove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Staff, and Raiders of the Lost General Fund Balance. Negotiations to purchase the rights to Scott McNutt's epic adventure, Charter-Hater: Salvation are underway as well, Ragsdale said.  

County leaders plan "re-enactment"

(My only excuse for this is that I just returned from a trip to Gettysburg. Just shoot me.)

Official sources confirmed today that the Ragsdale administration is making plans to re-enact the Budget Battle of 2008. Sheriff J.J. Jones has deputized all Ragsdale staff members so that they may carry handguns and muskets to the battle. Ragsdale spokesperson Dwight Van de Vate said live ammunition will be used for added realism.

"Blood may be spilled," Van de Vate said, "just as in the 2008 clash. The Pinkston Brigade has yet to recover from its valiant but doomed "2-Percent-Across-The-Board-Cut Charge" at Commissioner Ridge. Re-enacting our victory in '08 should give us a lot of confidence heading into this year's battle."

But the adminstration's plan to draft homeless men and women to play the roles of county commissioners is drawing fire from a number of quarters.

"The Ten Year Plan to end homelessness did not envision reducing homeless numbers with musket balls and grapeshot," said Knoxville Mayor Bill Haslam. "I urge Mayor Ragsdale to reconsider."

"Stonewall" Johnson, currently residing under the back porch of the Ragsdale residence, was furious when told of the plan.

"This is an insult to all homeless people," said Johnson. "We may be homeless, but not one of us would stoop to portraying a county commissioner. We'd never live it down!"

Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert also opposed the re-enactment, but on different grounds.

"There is a nationwide shortage of ammunition," Lambert said. "To waste gunpowder at a time like this, when the demand is going up thanks to the foresight of our state legislature, is absolutely criminal and un-American. Live rounds must be preserved for our parks and bars."

Knox County's Chief Financial Officer, John "Jeb" Troyer, dismissed Lambert's concerns.

"At commission's request, we've saved 1.5 million rounds of ammunition in the past fiscal year. There was enough left over to give every county employee a 500 cartridge bonus," Troyer said. 

PBA chief Dale Smith said he had not been consulted about the re-enactment, but he supported the plan for its educational value.

"It's important that we cherish our history," Smith said. "So many have fallen during the Seven Years War - Moore, Finch, Tramel, Werner - to name but a few, and it's appropriate that we honor them by reliving our history. They gave the last full measure of their county paychecks."  

County takes cue from state, pushes anti-crack ordinance

"Crackers" could be fined up to $250 and 160 hours of working for Property Assessor Phil Ballard if an ordinance backed by the Knox County Mayor's office and several County Commissioners gains approval.

Dwight Van de Vate, Mayor Ragsdale's Director of Diversionary Communications, told reporters "it's an anti-crack bill. Two out of three homeless people we surveyed who were standing here just a minute ago are tired of seeing us made the butt of jokes by the cracks of people like McNutt and Van Guilder."

"They can stick that ordinance where the sun doesn't shine," McNutt said. "It's my constitutional right to expose a crack to the public. Thomas Jefferson would roll over in his grave, moon side up, if he were alive today."

Van Guilder agreed.

"People have been making cracks about politicians for generations. Try to plug that hole and you'll only get your hands dirty."

Local crackers have gained international support. Al B. Bare is the spokesperson for the Snarking Absolutely Nude Society - Paris, Athens, Nice, Toronto, Stockholm (SANS-PANTS).

"We vehemently oppose this asinine ordinance," said Bare. "Those cracks deserve even greater exposure."

Commissioner "Greg" Lumpy Lambert is an enthusiastic supporter of the ordinance.

"I don't know of a single commissioner who, at one time or another, hasn't had their derriere handed to them by one of those two. My only fear is that we'll get a split vote on commission."